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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Ramblings of a confused mind....

Today I write not knowing or forming fluid conscious thought...

I guess you could say I am baffled lately by our countries politics and government decisions and the state of the economy.. And what that has meant for me in my personal life.. I was unemployed from 05/01/09 to 01/31/11 when I finally was hired at one of my current part time jobs... I currently have two part time jobs neither pay me the hourly wage I used to make and together they don't even equal a full time job. And I am scared... I filed bankruptcy because I got real behind in my bills... It was discharged 3/16/11 but I am still behind in my day to day bills and I am weary... I may have to turn over my car to survive or try selling some belongings. 

I have begun to doubt my decisions... I have become unsure of a solid future. I know my friends in recovery are going to say I need to connect with my higher power and have Faith in a God of my understanding. Which they say could be a door knob for now if it needs to be.. I have been sober since 06/23/05.. I have been baptized Presbyterian and was a deacon at my church many years ago. But, in reality I find myself more geared to the hippie spiritual earth religions. I try at times to mix the two making an alter with my crystals and praying to God as the person I feel I am not pretending to be something I am not.. But, I am not vigilant. See I am told God helps those that help themselves.. So, I help myself and forget to turn over the stuff I don't control over to God. 

I feel like I am moving through the motions of life but not living it because I can't afford my bills let alone set money aside to enjoy the life I am living. I am not sure I am making sense right now. My head is full of anger, and heartache. I am lashing out at the loved ones around me and taking my frustrations out on them. It is totally unhealthy. I have moments of reason and days where I see hope. But, I can't hold onto that feeling long enough to escape the trappings I find myself in... I feel I am in a mental or spiritual prison. Trapped by the conditions of this county as one of the millions the unemployment and economy crash has effected. There isn't enough jobs and I know I am not alone but that doesn't seem to fill me with comfort. It angers me! Especially when I see people supporting relief and aide going everywhere but here in the USA where relief is needed. If you are married and childless and your spouse makes over a certain amount of money there is no program to help you lift yourself up. 

I have tried to appeal to family but it seems me and my husband are left on our own.. Seeming like nobody in the family cares if we make it through this or not.. I need friends and at the same time I am backing myself into a corner and facing the wall instead out to my friends who would support and love me. Today is a down day for sure.. I fought with my husband last night and I feel something is going to give and it will be the last person I have clung to in support... I feel lost and afraid to share everything on my mind and to let people see how weak I really am right now. This seems to be my only way to open up so you can't look directly into my face and see everything fading from my eyes and that I am empty and hollow.. Gone is the spark I once had!