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Monday, March 19, 2012

I can't believe how long it has been....

Dear Friends and Followers and Family,

It has been some time since I sat down and posted a blog.

I have been through some emotional and personal stuff and I have not felt like writing any of it down. In my last post I felt lost and going through the motions. And even though there were no comments on the blog I did receive some flack and back lash.

To my husbands family.. I know I said some things that were untrue. But, they were feelings I was feeling however wrongly placed at the time. I had to go through what I was feeling and the consequences myself.. I love my husbands family we see each other on holidays and special events we are remembered and invited to. I need a closeness or search for a closeness with my sister's in law that I feel still isn't where I would like it. I have tried to reach out and entertain. I have not gotten accepted the way I want to be and I don't think it is a fault of mine. I am still just their brother's wife and not one of them. I don't understand the family politics and dynamics of the Kieran's. I have tried to... I think the problem is I like my mother in law even though I don't understand her she is closer to my age. I would like to be invited more to spend time with my sister's in law because having no real family or many close friends here I feel alone. 

To my friends... I am missing a closeness in my life and friend I can call to sit and chat over coffee, to shop with or just sit at home with playing games, watching TV or doing girl things with.. I don't live in any of my friends immediate locations. I was hoping a change in scenery was coming with my husband having to change jobs but it seems for the moment I am staying in Arizona. I have made a couple people I call friends at my job. I went out and did shopping and lunch with one yesterday. She is the only one I have done something outside of work with since I started over a year ago. I just don't know what to do... My friend Michele says I need a hobby and I agree... But, will that bring me close friends? I question that since I have tried at my job this past year... 

To my followers.. please don't give up on me.. I have slowed down on my online time. I am searching for closeness outside of places on the internet. I have not found it yet. But, I am exploring ways to do that... 

This past year has been tough... My brother was diagnosed with Throat cancer. the treatments no longer are working and he is in his last days. 

I had a fibrous cyst removed with most of my left ovary... Very painful.. And made me realize I may not have any children of my own.. It isn't out of the question.. It just has not been something me and my husband thought that much about.. We always said if it happens we would love it and take care of it and never really discussed that wanting or tried to make it happen. I am not sure how to feel at first I was heart broken. But, seeing as it was never a discussion between my husband and myself maybe it wasn't brought up for a reason. But, we are discussing it now. 

My husband and I also filed bankruptcy Dec 2010 and we were approved since we don't have assets and we had been a victim of this economy with me being unemployed almost two years. I am still waiting on the final documents from the Bankruptcy trustee... This was my own error. I had thought the Bankruptcy trustee had requested from the state to have my 2010 return sent directly to him since he had previously done that with my federal return. But, alas I finally received the check after and inquiry and sent it off to the trustee in 2012. I made an assumption that delayed the process.

There were other none major events mostly me not feeling happy in my situation not with my husband just unsatisfied with life in general. I think this is a personal journey type of thing that I have not quite figured out yet. I am lacking something... hobby, friendship, bonding of some sorts. But, I am weary... I am jaded on the process being hurt in the past by people I thought were supposed to care and be a better part of my life. I know all I can change is my life and how I view things... So I am still searching for something to make me more satisfied with my life... I love my husband and this past year has done one thing. I know I am happy with him and would fight for our relationship to continue. Our struggle together has made our bond stronger.

to be continued...



  1. Dawn...I am glad you are writing again! It can be so healing! I wrote a journal of sorts when my mom was dying. It helped me a lot!
    As to a hobby of some would bring you friends as you would have a common interest to base the friendship on. I am not sure what you would be interested in, but there are workshops at craft stores all the time...and there is bowling, too. A cooking class or creative writing class could bring you to more people also! Good luck with what you decide!

  2. Dawn, you feel how you feel, and that's allowed, period. I don't know what it means to try and fit into someone's family, but I imagine that it can be difficult. and I know I don't have to remind you that as a friend who is far away, I would love to have the lunch/shop/chat thing with you any time! I'm glad you're taking the time to explore what it is you want for yourself in the future, and taking steps to help the answers manifest themselves through creativity! ♥

    1. I love you Miriam! I wish we lived closer <3