Bittersweet

It has been tough on me since I lost my job 5/01/09. With only two weeks left on my unemployment extension I am finally going back to work Monday 3/29/2010. It is a temp to perm job and the pay is less than I was making. But, at this point it will replace unemployment and it is better than nothing... I am relieved and happy! It will start at 30 hours a week and hopefully turn into perm and 40 hours a week and a higher hourly rate than I am starting with... *smile* I am grateful!

But, there is other turmoil in my life.... Things I have no control over right now with my financial situation that make it hard for me to enjoy my success... Due to finances and the fact I had tried to turn over my husbands car willfully months ago. I could not afford to keep up on the payments and it was finally repossessed. They of course waited till it looked bad for me and probably didn't even record I tried to

willfully turn it over. So we are back to being a one car family for the time being. I had accepted that... Then another problem surfaced again as a legal issue since I have not been able to make payments on a bank delinquency they are ready to take legal action and sue us for the money we owe them which is over $6,000.00. I tried to reason with them today and they want more a month than I can afford and will pursue us in court and probably end up garnishing our wages that don't even cover our bills as they are right now. I can't seem to win. I am scared and have nowhere to turn for help. I have tried to reach out for help and have not gotten a response. There is no family willing or able to help. It leaves me unsettled and feeling slightly sad.

I need to clear my head. I know I did not intend for things to work out this way and I have no control over what happens and know somehow I will make it through this.

Dawn

My Father...

I have been thinking about my father lately. When life get's me down I think about the kind of man my dad was and how he cared for me. My father never was mean or unkind to anyone that I am aware of.. He was always there for me. Faced with the challenges in my life right now. I look at people in my life I have reached out to for help and their responses. I am amazed with the lack of care or concern around me. My father taught me if you are able to help anyone you do. I have shared food, money and anything I had to offer because I was lent to believe that is what you do for people you care about . Without asking anything in return. I am not saying this to be a martyr. It goes to the character my dad instilled in me.

My dad was a wonderful man who taught me how to love and care for the people I choose to have in my life. I wish there were more people like him in this world who show community support and love for other people. It sure would make for a better world.

my mind is clouded...

My mind feels as cluttered with thought as this picture is cluttered with clouds...

How do I make sense of it all?

Today is day two of temperatures in the 80's during the day in Phoenix, AZ. I am loving the weather and trying to put my life into focus. I need to set some goals. I need to find a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that I am clean and sober.. and cigarette free. Is that enough with my unemployment running out and still no job on the horizon. I do not know only my Higher Power knows that. My life is in his hands because I have turned it over to him. So how do I stop worrying? I am supposed to be at peace now knowing it is in the hands of my Higher Power. The truth is I am not always at peace and I get stressed and upset and I cry till I can't cry no more..

Mobile Blogging

Hello this is Dawn blogging mobile from my blackberry to see if this actually works. If it does I can blog on the go from any place and not have to wait till I get home to put down my thoughts!

A New Day...

Today is the New Moon.... My thought just now as I typed that was a Duran Duran song "New Moon on Monday".

Lately I have been doing two practical exercises in intention and abundance. So today I wrote out an abundance check. Both exercises came from The Healing Arts Connection. (www.How2Heal.com) So I am planting seeds in the infinite substance.

Abundance is, above all, the belief--and even more importantly, the feeling--that one is loved. When we feel loved by life itself, we begin to feel that there will always be a place for us in the world.

To contact the spark of your abundance, you might ask yourself, "What nourishes me? What sustains me?" Then list all the things that come to mind, everything from food to friendships to manifestations of more subtle energies. As you consciously recognize these things and begin to own them, you familiarize yourself with your prime territory, the home of your abundance and the place to find the unique strengths that you have to share with the world. No one can take your place in the universe.

I am ready to maintain my awareness of these truths and prosper in an abundant universe.

Emotions we all have them.....

Today is one of those days I am left alone in the house with my feelings and emotions. So I sit here trying to make any sense of them. Here goes nothing...

I hate to talk about my regrets but they have been surfacing lately. I really should have tried to finish college. So I am now an unemployed 43 year old female finding it hard to get a job. One friend has been pressuring me to go back to school saying if they did I could too. I don't feel I am giving excuses... I have unpaid loans from years ago I never had the resources to pay off. So problem number one I do not qualify for a loan. I tried a couple times in recent years to go back to school. Problem two with my current budget even when I was working I can not afford over $900.00 a month or to pay tuition up front which was my only option where I tried to enroll.

I am at a point of nowhere to turn... I have tried asking family for help. Which bring me to a side note. The same family that said move to Arizona and we will be there to support you emotionally and physically if we can. And hence since has taken a tough love approach to my husband and myself. And my own aunt has not even responded to my emails, calls or letter sent through the postal system.

I see on the TV every day help for single moms... I am neither single or a mother! No offense to any of my friends that are... just wishing I fit the model to get some help for myself. As my unemployment is quickly coming to an end and I have been unemployed since 5/01/09. I want to cry out! I need help too can anyone assist me?

The truth is as like for many my self worth means working, helping my husband pay the bills and having money to enjoy life. I am frustrated with the economy. I see people donating outside the US. I feel anger that there isn't any help for the millions of Americans in my same situation. There are not enough jobs for the people unemployed. Some states are hit real hard... When are things going to look up for everyone?? Why isn't there assistance for people like me? Where is the community that holds up their fellow neighbors and helps out when the call is out there.... OK, feeling purged time to now meditate and contact the universe and let it know I am ready to live my abundant universe....