California Dreaming

Looking back I have not posted anything in about two years here at BlogSpot.

I am in the middle of a relocation to Southern California because my husbands job is moving him here. So begins a new chapter in my life. I have always wanted to return to California. I didn't know how that would happen. Come to find out my husband told someone at work he would like to go to California for me. This promotion isn't about me he deserved this. But, the reason he found out about a job in California was directly related to me because he mentioned it to his employer because we had been talking about leaving Arizona. 

With that said I think I was scared once the reality was upon us. I have not lived in California for 32 years. I last visited 27 years ago and that is a long time not to see the friends I had made, loved and moved away from. 

I  still do not know how I will feel being closer and able to visit with them. Will we still have things in common. Will we have anything to talk about after all this time? Theese questions and more I think about. That and the stress of moving, having to get back to AZ to get my belongings, and needing to find a job before the end of January.

Dawn

I can't believe how long it has been....

Dear Friends and Followers and Family,


It has been some time since I sat down and posted a blog.


I have been through some emotional and personal stuff and I have not felt like writing any of it down. In my last post I felt lost and going through the motions. And even though there were no comments on the blog I did receive some flack and back lash.


To my husbands family.. I know I said some things that were untrue. But, they were feelings I was feeling however wrongly placed at the time. I had to go through what I was feeling and the consequences myself.. I love my husbands family we see each other on holidays and special events we are remembered and invited to. I need a closeness or search for a closeness with my sister's in law that I feel still isn't where I would like it. I have tried to reach out and entertain. I have not gotten accepted the way I want to be and I don't think it is a fault of mine. I am still just their brother's wife and not one of them. I don't understand the family politics and dynamics of the Kieran's. I have tried to... I think the problem is I like my mother in law even though I don't understand her she is closer to my age. I would like to be invited more to spend time with my sister's in law because having no real family or many close friends here I feel alone. 


To my friends... I am missing a closeness in my life and friend I can call to sit and chat over coffee, to shop with or just sit at home with playing games, watching TV or doing girl things with.. I don't live in any of my friends immediate locations. I was hoping a change in scenery was coming with my husband having to change jobs but it seems for the moment I am staying in Arizona. I have made a couple people I call friends at my job. I went out and did shopping and lunch with one yesterday. She is the only one I have done something outside of work with since I started over a year ago. I just don't know what to do... My friend Michele says I need a hobby and I agree... But, will that bring me close friends? I question that since I have tried at my job this past year... 


To my followers.. please don't give up on me.. I have slowed down on my online time. I am searching for closeness outside of places on the internet. I have not found it yet. But, I am exploring ways to do that... 


This past year has been tough... My brother was diagnosed with Throat cancer. the treatments no longer are working and he is in his last days. 


I had a fibrous cyst removed with most of my left ovary... Very painful.. And made me realize I may not have any children of my own.. It isn't out of the question.. It just has not been something me and my husband thought that much about.. We always said if it happens we would love it and take care of it and never really discussed that wanting or tried to make it happen. I am not sure how to feel at first I was heart broken. But, seeing as it was never a discussion between my husband and myself maybe it wasn't brought up for a reason. But, we are discussing it now. 


My husband and I also filed bankruptcy Dec 2010 and we were approved since we don't have assets and we had been a victim of this economy with me being unemployed almost two years. I am still waiting on the final documents from the Bankruptcy trustee... This was my own error. I had thought the Bankruptcy trustee had requested from the state to have my 2010 return sent directly to him since he had previously done that with my federal return. But, alas I finally received the check after and inquiry and sent it off to the trustee in 2012. I made an assumption that delayed the process.


There were other none major events mostly me not feeling happy in my situation not with my husband just unsatisfied with life in general. I think this is a personal journey type of thing that I have not quite figured out yet. I am lacking something... hobby, friendship, bonding of some sorts. But, I am weary... I am jaded on the process being hurt in the past by people I thought were supposed to care and be a better part of my life. I know all I can change is my life and how I view things... So I am still searching for something to make me more satisfied with my life... I love my husband and this past year has done one thing. I know I am happy with him and would fight for our relationship to continue. Our struggle together has made our bond stronger.


to be continued...

Dawn

Ramblings of a confused mind....

Today I write not knowing or forming fluid conscious thought...


I guess you could say I am baffled lately by our countries politics and government decisions and the state of the economy.. And what that has meant for me in my personal life.. I was unemployed from 05/01/09 to 01/31/11 when I finally was hired at one of my current part time jobs... I currently have two part time jobs neither pay me the hourly wage I used to make and together they don't even equal a full time job. And I am scared... I filed bankruptcy because I got real behind in my bills... It was discharged 3/16/11 but I am still behind in my day to day bills and I am weary... I may have to turn over my car to survive or try selling some belongings. 


I have begun to doubt my decisions... I have become unsure of a solid future. I know my friends in recovery are going to say I need to connect with my higher power and have Faith in a God of my understanding. Which they say could be a door knob for now if it needs to be.. I have been sober since 06/23/05.. I have been baptized Presbyterian and was a deacon at my church many years ago. But, in reality I find myself more geared to the hippie spiritual earth religions. I try at times to mix the two making an alter with my crystals and praying to God as the person I feel I am not pretending to be something I am not.. But, I am not vigilant. See I am told God helps those that help themselves.. So, I help myself and forget to turn over the stuff I don't control over to God. 


I feel like I am moving through the motions of life but not living it because I can't afford my bills let alone set money aside to enjoy the life I am living. I am not sure I am making sense right now. My head is full of anger, and heartache. I am lashing out at the loved ones around me and taking my frustrations out on them. It is totally unhealthy. I have moments of reason and days where I see hope. But, I can't hold onto that feeling long enough to escape the trappings I find myself in... I feel I am in a mental or spiritual prison. Trapped by the conditions of this county as one of the millions the unemployment and economy crash has effected. There isn't enough jobs and I know I am not alone but that doesn't seem to fill me with comfort. It angers me! Especially when I see people supporting relief and aide going everywhere but here in the USA where relief is needed. If you are married and childless and your spouse makes over a certain amount of money there is no program to help you lift yourself up. 


I have tried to appeal to family but it seems me and my husband are left on our own.. Seeming like nobody in the family cares if we make it through this or not.. I need friends and at the same time I am backing myself into a corner and facing the wall instead out to my friends who would support and love me. Today is a down day for sure.. I fought with my husband last night and I feel something is going to give and it will be the last person I have clung to in support... I feel lost and afraid to share everything on my mind and to let people see how weak I really am right now. This seems to be my only way to open up so you can't look directly into my face and see everything fading from my eyes and that I am empty and hollow.. Gone is the spark I once had! 


signed,


Lost

The Children's Center

The Children's Center: A special place for special children 

The Children's Center for Neurodevelopmental Studies is a state-certified, non-profit school and therapy center for children with autism and other developmental delays. The Center was founded in 1978, by Lorna Jean King, OTR/L, FAOTA. The Children's Center is internationally known for its unique and effective therapeutic approach to education. The Center's philosophy emphasizes facilitating neurodevelopment,the formation of new neural pathways, rather than simply training the child to act "appropriately". It is based on well-known research demonstrating neuroplasticity and the ability of the brain to continue developing at any age. 

Why is the Center so uniquely qualified to help - and add hope - to the lives of these children and their families? The key lies in the neurodevelopmental needs of the children. One of their defining characteristics is sensory integrative dysfunction - the inability of the brain to process input from various senses to create meaningful information. When neural pathways are damaged or impaired, correct processing cannot be achieved. The Center's primary therapeutic approach, called sensory integration, addresses these dysfunctions. 

To promote the development of new neural pathways and minimize the effect of sensory processing dysfunction, staff provides appropriate forms of sensory input - a sensory diet. These personalized plans may include swinging, deep pressure, music - all aimed at facilitating the processing of information. When sensory issues have been addressed, learning always follows. Sensory integrative therapy helps "get the brain ready to learn".  In over two decades of service, the Center's sensory integrative approach has proven highly effective for hundreds of children in Arizona, across the United States and around the world. The Children’s Center is a private, non-profit corporation (501-c-3) founded in 1978 by a group of health and educational professionals, under the leadership of Lorna Jean King, OTR/L, FAOTA. 

Beginning with just one student, one teacher and one therapist, the Center’s staff now includes occupational, speech, music and recreational therapists and  certified special education teachers.

       

       The above is the center I am working as a substitute teacher's aid. And I am enjoying my time there so far. When I was unemployed for the past almost two years I never envisioned this as my next job. I do more for autistic children then substitute at this learning center. I also have two clients I go to there house and continue to work on their treatment goals one on one in the home "Habilitation". These children are a joy to work with and doing this work is changing me in ways I am also liking. I am return to an attitude and feeling of my younger self. I see myself happy and it isn't just because I am getting paid.. I started with one client 7.5 hours a week for most of February so my first monthly check will not be that big. But now between this job and Hope Group, LLC for habilitation hours I have built my hours up to 19.5 and two days a week I can be called in to substitute as a teacher's aid at The Children's Center. If I am called in both days that is 28.5 hours and the pay which basically will take the place of what i was making on unemployment.. But, my point here is I am getting more out of it then the pay. I didn't intend to go back to a regular 9-5 customer service job but didn't know what that would mean for me...

This job is changing my perspective of people, my outlook on my life, my attitude and it is giving me joy. That alone is worth more to me than how many hours and what my hourly pay is... I can't even take credit for me trying this out as a job. I did not find it on my own. My sister in law Kim is a full time teacher's aid at a different school and suggested the other Hope Group, LLC where she works habilitation for after school. From the Hope Group, LLC job I was introduced the The Children's Center as a place to work with the same population and pick up some additional hours and it is in my town really close to my house. Between the two agencies I made a little niche for myself. I smile at work, I enjoy my co-workers, and my habilitation kids are a breath of fresh air. Maybe my next post I will write about and focus on Hope Group, LLC who started this whole progression but it was The Children's Center that helped me the most. 

I see this as a wonderful new adventure maybe career... it has revived my spirit and not just my employment for sure...

Dawn

There is hope...

Hello friends,


I know it has been some time since I have composed a blog entry. But, I am going to turn that around and get back to putting down my thoughts at least once weekly. 


Part of me feels like I have been just hanging on feeling incomplete without direction. The truth is I have been unemployed and dealing with life issues as a result of my unemployment benefits ending, having to file bankruptcy, and fighting to stay positive with all the changes and challenges I faced head on...


Recently I took some free training to work with individuals with autism. I went to CPR, First Aid, Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). ABA is the most current, scientifically proven, and efficient method of teaching essential skills to children on the autism spectrum. It is beneficial for individuals with a variety of other developmental disabilities as well. An effective ABA program may incorporate multiple theories and approaches to teaching, including analysis of verbal behavior, picture schedules, play therapy, and discrete trial training. Each program must be tailored to suit the needs of each individual child and the skill levels of those implementing the program. ABA programs are very child friendly, and focus on teaching the function of language in a positive, age appropriate environment. I interview with my first family 1/28/2011 and was offered the provider position for about 10 hours a week. This is a new direction for me to do something fulfilling and get back into regular employment. I need more than 10 hours a week and will be searching for either another client or a part time position to increase my income. I didn't take this job for the money. I was looking to be out of retail or just a customer service position. I wanted the work I was doing to matter and have that feeling of enjoyment. I am also going to take additional training for the habilitation part of my employment so I can offer my clients better teaching skills to assist with their current program goals. Habilitation is one-on-one therapy to teach and/or improve an individual's daily living, social, gross/fine motor, communication, and/or memory and organization skills. Habilitation providers will implement the goals and objectives written by the lead habilitation therapist. I will also do respite care. Respite is a service designed for short-term, temporary care to our clients with the purpose of giving the parents a break from the everyday routine of raising a child with special needs. An important purpose of respite is to provide parents and families temporary relief to relax, run errands, work, etc. I am looking forward to expanding my employment at H.O.P.E. Group, LLC. http://www.hopegroupaz.com/index.htm


Dawn

Auguste Art - Digital and Traditional Fine Art Paintings!

Auguste Art - Digital and Traditional Fine Art Paintings

reneeauguste.blogspot.com

See all my friend's digital and traditional art on her new blog! Maybe she can make something beautiful for you too! She has been selling her art since 1992! Here is Renee Auguste's Art Blog where she now displays the painting she did for me!

Feeling lost!

See this picture of me above looking happy? Well there is a sadness in me lately that I can't seem to shake and I am scared. I have been unemployed for 15 months. I feel as part of me is slipping further away with each rejection of a prospective employer. All I want to do is work and be able to take care of myself. Since I am 15 years of age I have never been without work this long. I feel lost like I don't know how to present myself so they could see how capable I am or that I really would like the opportunity without seeming desperate. I feel as if I am an outsider looking in on my life and nobody can hear me...

So the plan is now that my husbands car has been repossessed and my rental lease is up at my current apartment that we move into a more affordable space and live under my husbands income. This way I can gather my self respect up not feel like a failure and be able to live without so much stress on me getting employment. This was not a easy decision for me. I struggled with it trying to maintain hope I would find something before my unemployment ran out. But, I am emotionally spent for this whole process this past 15 months...

So we gave 60 days notice as requested even though my lease ends Aug 20th. I am not sure how I am going to afford the rent here the last month as a month to month rate of over $1,000.00 and find the money to support the move at the same time. But, I will ease myself through the process and be out of this apartment by 9/30/2010.. Hope to move the weekend of sat 9/25! I wish in some way there was someone to help ease my burden right now...

Dawn