Just for Today!

Just for today..


It has taken me some years to realize a very easy concept.. To live in the moment. I should not worry about the what if's or the past.. What I can do is keep track of my responsibilities such as bills and making sure when I give my word I keep it. Beyond that the past is over I should not ponder there and the future is fluid and can change in a moment.


In the past I have stressed over how things were going to work out and to be honest in my current situation the stress has tried to live in my present. I finally had to sit back and logically go back to what I can control, me. So I have a budget, I track my bills, and I continue to look for work. It isn't magic. It isn't going to stop all the stress but I can look at things one at a time. I put my bills in a spread sheet with due dates. I have a budget and I try to keep to it the best I can...


My big hurdle right now since we relocated for my husbands job I am unemployed and looking for work. My income is needed for our monthly bills and our plans for the future. We are finally focused on our goals.


My husband know this move would be hard. I wasn't wanting to struggle but he had a long term goal and our happiness in his mind. I was very resistant because we had not struggled for a few years and it wasn't easy to know this wasn't going to go smooth. But, I have to admit it has been a long time since I left California and I always wanted to return. Waiting for the right time sometimes makes the dream a never reachable goal. My husband wanted a promotion and to prove himself.. This being his second promotion in 2014. He knew I longed for this place from my past and he wanted to give that to me. He asked me to trust him. So here I am back in California. This move was the hardest and most stressful move I think I have ever faced. I need a job to make this work.. But, I am taking this as it comes and trying to remain hopeful it will all work out.


Dawn

Today is Thursday 01/08/2015

Today is Thursday 01/08/2015

This year is brand new and I am in need of putting my head in the right mind set... I have goals I would like to accomplish this year.. I may need assistance with... I have a bankruptcy from 2010 and my credit score has become fair it is 662.. I need it to be over 700. To do that I need to establish new credit and be in good standing. Not only do I have the bankruptcy because I had been unemployed for 2 years but we have reported bad credit from the credit cards we had then... When we went to see if we could be approved for a loan for a house we fell short of the VA loan we wanted for no money down. They said we needed three open lines of credit. My problem is that we are having a hard time finding good credit cards that don't have a yearly fee or monthly service charge because of the bankruptcy. As hard as it is to hear we may need to pay high fees to establish this line of credit to obtain and reach our goals. We have worked so hard since 2010 to pay our bills on time and only use money we had for everything.

Right now the year starts and I am unemployed because of the relocation of my husbands job with promotion. Money is tighter than it has been in years. We have had some recent overdraft fees. And I sit here willing to go through whatever I have to for improving my credit.
California is where I always wanted to move back to.. I need stable employment. I want to reach my goals. I need to investigated further and stay on track.

All of this would be helped with employment so I search everyday.. I remain hopeful that one day I will be able to purchase my own house and not be scared when I want to make a big purchase and they have to check my credit. I am 48 and I am responsible. I am just looking to find a place to live out the rest of my life with stability.. I can make this come true!

Dawn

Under the weather...

Hello friends..

I am feeling under the weather today and I am in the need of rest. I have not slept a good nights sleep since moving here. And today my health is feeling down.. It started yesterday the nauseous feeling, head pounding, and aches all over and feeling chills when the weather outside is warm.

I am going to try and lay down again and hopefully feel better.

Dawn

Welcome 2015..

So, 2015 new year, back in California, and I just turned 48

I would like to say I have mastered some kind of enlightenment. I do continue to grow and change and handle and look at things very differently. But, here is my truth. I am just getting better at being me and understanding myself. I like the beach. I have a husband. I am not that complicated. I am looking for work in my new location. We moved here to Menifee, CA because my husband Charles was promoted and relocated by his employer. This is his second promotion this year and I am very proud of him. But, this move was not easy. I felt rushed and frantic. We moved from a two bedroom to a one bedroom because we didn't have the money when we needed it to get the deal on the two bedroom.. It was very upsetting. Money is tight right now we have to wait to be reimbursed for the move. There was supposed to be an end of the year bonus that last year was dispersed at the end of December.. well we are still waiting for corporate... I am handling it.. But, we have worked very hard being responsible with our bills and money.. But, all these things are out of my control. 

This is what I can control how I react to what is going on in our lives. It is easy to look alright on the outside. But, I get so stressed. I forget that I cannot control it. But the truth I do not control any outside influence. 

In my honest opinion I secretly wish I could control anything. But, it is like making plans and watching the universe laugh at you and have things go in different directions. I am here still trying to make plans to make this year a great transformation for me, my husband, and change and improve our lives and reach our goals. It is our time to be more responsible, and do what we need to change our lives for the better. We are desperately trying to get to the point where we can buy a house.. It is buckle down time.. I think we can do it but this will be a challenge. This is an exciting thing to look forward to and once we get there we can say we made it. I will say my prayers and set things up the best I can and take things as they come.. Welcome 2015!!

Dawn

California Dreaming

Looking back I have not posted anything in about two years here at BlogSpot.

I am in the middle of a relocation to Southern California because my husbands job is moving him here. So begins a new chapter in my life. I have always wanted to return to California. I didn't know how that would happen. Come to find out my husband told someone at work he would like to go to California for me. This promotion isn't about me he deserved this. But, the reason he found out about a job in California was directly related to me because he mentioned it to his employer because we had been talking about leaving Arizona. 

With that said I think I was scared once the reality was upon us. I have not lived in California for 32 years. I last visited 27 years ago and that is a long time not to see the friends I had made, loved and moved away from. 

I  still do not know how I will feel being closer and able to visit with them. Will we still have things in common. Will we have anything to talk about after all this time? Theese questions and more I think about. That and the stress of moving, having to get back to AZ to get my belongings, and needing to find a job before the end of January.

Dawn

I can't believe how long it has been....

Dear Friends and Followers and Family,


It has been some time since I sat down and posted a blog.


I have been through some emotional and personal stuff and I have not felt like writing any of it down. In my last post I felt lost and going through the motions. And even though there were no comments on the blog I did receive some flack and back lash.


To my husbands family.. I know I said some things that were untrue. But, they were feelings I was feeling however wrongly placed at the time. I had to go through what I was feeling and the consequences myself.. I love my husbands family we see each other on holidays and special events we are remembered and invited to. I need a closeness or search for a closeness with my sister's in law that I feel still isn't where I would like it. I have tried to reach out and entertain. I have not gotten accepted the way I want to be and I don't think it is a fault of mine. I am still just their brother's wife and not one of them. I don't understand the family politics and dynamics of the Kieran's. I have tried to... I think the problem is I like my mother in law even though I don't understand her she is closer to my age. I would like to be invited more to spend time with my sister's in law because having no real family or many close friends here I feel alone. 


To my friends... I am missing a closeness in my life and friend I can call to sit and chat over coffee, to shop with or just sit at home with playing games, watching TV or doing girl things with.. I don't live in any of my friends immediate locations. I was hoping a change in scenery was coming with my husband having to change jobs but it seems for the moment I am staying in Arizona. I have made a couple people I call friends at my job. I went out and did shopping and lunch with one yesterday. She is the only one I have done something outside of work with since I started over a year ago. I just don't know what to do... My friend Michele says I need a hobby and I agree... But, will that bring me close friends? I question that since I have tried at my job this past year... 


To my followers.. please don't give up on me.. I have slowed down on my online time. I am searching for closeness outside of places on the internet. I have not found it yet. But, I am exploring ways to do that... 


This past year has been tough... My brother was diagnosed with Throat cancer. the treatments no longer are working and he is in his last days. 


I had a fibrous cyst removed with most of my left ovary... Very painful.. And made me realize I may not have any children of my own.. It isn't out of the question.. It just has not been something me and my husband thought that much about.. We always said if it happens we would love it and take care of it and never really discussed that wanting or tried to make it happen. I am not sure how to feel at first I was heart broken. But, seeing as it was never a discussion between my husband and myself maybe it wasn't brought up for a reason. But, we are discussing it now. 


My husband and I also filed bankruptcy Dec 2010 and we were approved since we don't have assets and we had been a victim of this economy with me being unemployed almost two years. I am still waiting on the final documents from the Bankruptcy trustee... This was my own error. I had thought the Bankruptcy trustee had requested from the state to have my 2010 return sent directly to him since he had previously done that with my federal return. But, alas I finally received the check after and inquiry and sent it off to the trustee in 2012. I made an assumption that delayed the process.


There were other none major events mostly me not feeling happy in my situation not with my husband just unsatisfied with life in general. I think this is a personal journey type of thing that I have not quite figured out yet. I am lacking something... hobby, friendship, bonding of some sorts. But, I am weary... I am jaded on the process being hurt in the past by people I thought were supposed to care and be a better part of my life. I know all I can change is my life and how I view things... So I am still searching for something to make me more satisfied with my life... I love my husband and this past year has done one thing. I know I am happy with him and would fight for our relationship to continue. Our struggle together has made our bond stronger.


to be continued...

Dawn

Ramblings of a confused mind....

Today I write not knowing or forming fluid conscious thought...


I guess you could say I am baffled lately by our countries politics and government decisions and the state of the economy.. And what that has meant for me in my personal life.. I was unemployed from 05/01/09 to 01/31/11 when I finally was hired at one of my current part time jobs... I currently have two part time jobs neither pay me the hourly wage I used to make and together they don't even equal a full time job. And I am scared... I filed bankruptcy because I got real behind in my bills... It was discharged 3/16/11 but I am still behind in my day to day bills and I am weary... I may have to turn over my car to survive or try selling some belongings. 


I have begun to doubt my decisions... I have become unsure of a solid future. I know my friends in recovery are going to say I need to connect with my higher power and have Faith in a God of my understanding. Which they say could be a door knob for now if it needs to be.. I have been sober since 06/23/05.. I have been baptized Presbyterian and was a deacon at my church many years ago. But, in reality I find myself more geared to the hippie spiritual earth religions. I try at times to mix the two making an alter with my crystals and praying to God as the person I feel I am not pretending to be something I am not.. But, I am not vigilant. See I am told God helps those that help themselves.. So, I help myself and forget to turn over the stuff I don't control over to God. 


I feel like I am moving through the motions of life but not living it because I can't afford my bills let alone set money aside to enjoy the life I am living. I am not sure I am making sense right now. My head is full of anger, and heartache. I am lashing out at the loved ones around me and taking my frustrations out on them. It is totally unhealthy. I have moments of reason and days where I see hope. But, I can't hold onto that feeling long enough to escape the trappings I find myself in... I feel I am in a mental or spiritual prison. Trapped by the conditions of this county as one of the millions the unemployment and economy crash has effected. There isn't enough jobs and I know I am not alone but that doesn't seem to fill me with comfort. It angers me! Especially when I see people supporting relief and aide going everywhere but here in the USA where relief is needed. If you are married and childless and your spouse makes over a certain amount of money there is no program to help you lift yourself up. 


I have tried to appeal to family but it seems me and my husband are left on our own.. Seeming like nobody in the family cares if we make it through this or not.. I need friends and at the same time I am backing myself into a corner and facing the wall instead out to my friends who would support and love me. Today is a down day for sure.. I fought with my husband last night and I feel something is going to give and it will be the last person I have clung to in support... I feel lost and afraid to share everything on my mind and to let people see how weak I really am right now. This seems to be my only way to open up so you can't look directly into my face and see everything fading from my eyes and that I am empty and hollow.. Gone is the spark I once had! 


signed,


Lost